he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
