mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
