I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
