she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
