There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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