I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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