The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
