I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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