I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
