Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
