I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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