I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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