It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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