If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
