This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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