How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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