I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
