I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
