You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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