Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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