I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
