Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
