and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
