Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
