I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
