I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I will pee on everything he values.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
