he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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