i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
