"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
