When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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