never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
