The maid of honor just puked.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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