I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Houston, we have a squirter
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
