I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
