We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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