Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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