we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We need to get me chipped asap
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
