I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
