i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
