we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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