i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
