so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
