I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
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I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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