The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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