I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They took my balls.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
