You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
