so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I am midnight drunk by noon
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
