She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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