My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
