I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
