I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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