How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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