Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
